Woody Allen, 1971

Please rise, court is now in session. Judge Seymour Watson presiding. The People vs. Fielding Mellish.

Defendant: I object your honor. This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of two mockeries of a sham. I move for a mistrial, do you realize there is not a single homosexual on that jury.

Juror: Yes there is.

Defendant: Really, which one is it, is it the big one at the end?

Judge: Call the first witness.


Q: And you remember Fielding Mellish?

A: He's got a record, he was always being picked up at one demonstration or another. He's a bad apple, a commie. A New York, Jewish, intellectual communist crack pot. I mean, I don't want to cast no aspersions.

Q: Your witness.


Q: Officer Dowd, have you ever had sexual relations with a girl with really big breasts?

A: Yes sir I did.

Q: And how did you find it?

A: Very erotic.

Q: I was just checking.

Clerk: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

A: I do.


Q: Name.

A: J. Edgar Hoover.

Q: Occupation?

A: Head of the Federal Bureau of Investigations.

Q: Can you tell the court why you are dressed like this?

A: I have many enemies and I rarely go out unless I'm in disguise.

Q: Mr. Hoover, in your opinion, is Fielding Mellish a threat to the security of the United States?

A: Enough to have his phone tapped.

Spectator: Alright, I did it, I'm guilty. But I couldn't take it any more, she kept tormenting me, egging me on, making a fool of me. Isn't this Epsteen vs. Epsteen? I'm sorry.

A: I'm sorry to disappoint you but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he is a warm, wonderful human being.

Defendant: Would the Clerk read that statement back please?

Clerk: I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he is a rotten, conniving, dishonest, little rat.

Defendant: Alright, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.

Judge: You're out of order.

Q: Name?


A: Sharon Craig.

Q: And you are?

A: Miss America.

Q: Tell the court why you think he is a trader to this country.

A: I think Mr. Mellish is a trader to this country because his views are different from the views of the president and others of his kind. Differences of opinion should be tolerated but not when they are too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.

Q: Call Fielding Mellish.

Q: Mr. Mellish, what is your nationality?

A: Well, you might say I have two nationalities.

Q: Are you being coy?

A: Well I am an American citizen and also the president of San Marcos.

Q: I would not joke with this court if I were you.

A: Wouldn't you or couldn't you.

Judge: That's enough.

Q: Does the code word Sapphire mean anything to you?

A: No, it doesn't, I swear to God.

Q: You swear to God and yet you have no compunction about teaching Evolution.

A: - - - -

Q: Where were you on the night of June 23rd?

Judge: Since you cannot resist disturbing the court, I order the Marshall to bind and gag you.


Q: And so you followed Fielding Mellish and overheard him make treasonous remarks about this country?

A: I did.

Q: Your witness.

A: Yes I did.

A: No, I don't remember. No. Don't put words in my mouth. Yes. Yes it's true, I lied.

Judge: Ladies and gentlemen, you will retire for your verdict.