DISORDER IN THE COURT
Three Stooges, 1939
Bailiff: [very fast] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Witness: I do.
Prosecutor: What is your name?
Witness: Gail Tempest.
Prosecutor: What is your occupation?
Witness: I'm a dancer.
Prosecutor: On the night of February the 13th, were you working at the Black Bottom Cafe when this murder was committed?
Witness: Yes. But I didn't do it!
Prosecutor: Then who killed Kirk Robin?
Witness: I don't know.
Prosecutor: Did you kill Kirk Robin?
Defense: I object, Your Honor, and ask that the last question be stricken from the records! It is merely an attempt to influence this intelligent, broadminded, and most intellectual jury.
Judge: Objection sustained.
Prosecutor: That is all.
[A parrot says something, apparently mimicking someone]
Defense: Quiet, Polly. If it please the court, Your Honor, at this time I would like to introduce my three main witnesses, Howard, Fine, and Howard. [audience commotion] They were here a minute ago! Will you pardon me, Your Honor? I'll be right back!
[Curly Howard is called a s a witness]
Defense: Would you please step forward? No, no, no, prepare yourself for the witness box!
Judge: [pounds gavel] Take off your hat. Now raise your right hand. Now place your left hand here. [in order to do so, the hat goes back on his head] Take off your hat. Raise your right hand. Now put your left hand here. [Hat back on head] Please take off your hat. Raise your right hand! Now put your left hand here! Will you please take off your hat! Raise your right hand! Now put your left hand here! Take off your hat! Raise your right hand! Would you get rid of that hat!
Witness: Raise your right hand!
Judge: Raise your right hand.
Bailiff: [very fast] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Witness: Huh?
Bailiff: [very fast] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Witness: Are you trying to give me the double talk?
Bailiff: [sigh] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Defense: Why don't you answer him?
Witness: He's talkin' pig latin, I don't know what he's saying.
Defense: He's asking you if you swear--
Witness: No, but I know all the words.
Judge: He's asking you if you'll swear to tell the truth.
Witness: Truth is stranger than fiction, judgie wudgie.
Judge: Kindly address this court as Your Honor. And take the oath. [fast] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Witness: Certainly. What have I got to lose?
Judge: Take the stand.
Witness: Where do I put it?
Judge: No, no, take the stand.
Witness: (picks up chair) I got it. Now what do I do with it?
Defense: Sit down!
[Curly does so, falls off the stand]
Moe: C'mon on. You're in a court, not in Clancy's poolroom. Sit down.
Witness: I'm a victim of circumstance!
Defense: Be quiet.
Judge: Proceed with the case.
Prosecutor: Were you in the Black Bottom Cafe on the night of February the 13th?
Witness: Certainly.
Defense: Did you at that time see the defendant, Miss Gail Tempest, in any way, shape or form commit or try to commit bodily harm to the deceased Kirk Robin?
Prosecutor: I object, Your Honor! Counsel is trying to lead the witness!
Judge: Objection sustained.
Defense: Mr. Howard, did you see Miss Gail Tempest in physical fight with Kirk Robin?
Prosecutor: If it pleases the court, may I suggest that counsel be instructed to allow the witness to testify to what he saw.
Voice from audience [first male voice from previous scene]: I say, jester, what comes after 75?
Another voice: 76. [chuckles]
Judge: Request granted. Proceed with the testimony.
Defense: Mr. Howard, kindly tell the court what you know about the murder of Kirk Robin.
Witness: Well, it was like this, Mr. Court.
Defense: Address the judge as "Your Honor"!
Witness: Well, it was like this, My Honor.
Defense: "Your Honor", not "my honor"!
Witness: Why? Don't you like him?
Judge: Allow the witness to proceed. The court understands him.
Witness: Thanks, Courtie, you're a pal. Well, me and my pals, we're musicians. We were tearin' up some hot swing music in the orchest'a. Gail over there was swingin' the fans. Her sweetie, Kirk Robin, was inhalin' a bottle of hooch at the table, and a hoofer by the name of Buck Wing was gettin' ready to shake his tootsies.
Defense: Kindly speak English and drop the vernacular.
Witness: 'Nacular? That's a doiby!
Defense: Drop the vernacular! You know, not that. Talk so the jury can understand.
Witness: Is everybody dumb? Say, judgie, if you let me, my partner, and Gaily kind of act it out for ya, we'll show ya just what happened.
Judge: If counsel doesn't object, that's an excellent idea.
Prosecutor: No objections.
Defense: No objections.
Witness: No objections. Okay, Gaily.
[Fiddle, horn, & harmonica music and sound of hoofing, then yelling & stomping around, simulated shooting, then someone says "I killed him!"]
Witness: Ohhh, a [tape unclear].
His friend: Stand back, it's liable to fight ya! Tarantula, shot five holes in the divot.
Other voice: [slaps him] Get outta here. Go on.
Witness's friend: Wasted five good slugs.
Burly voice: I'll sue you for this!
Witness's friend: Oh, superstitious, eh? Oh, [tape unclear].
Judge: Gentlemen, you must control your killing instincts. Proceed with the testimony, please.
Defense: Proceed.
Witness: That was sure hot, Mo. Hey, Larry, listen.
[more music, and laughter]
Witness: You got it.
Judge: Please omit the rest of the entertainment and continue.
Witness's friend: Now Gaily's dance was over. I stuck my head in the office door, and I saw Kirk Robin and Buck Wing arguin' over by the parrot cage.
Prosecutor: What were they arguing about?
Witness's friend: I don't know, but Buck Wing was sizzling like a hot hamburger. He grabs Kirk by the neck like that, see [grabs his friend, who makes funny noises as he acts out the scene] and drags him over to the letterpress, see, then he smacks him on the head like [sound effect], then he pokes his coconut into the letterpress, see, like that. Then he says, I'll squeeze the cider out of your Adam's apple. Then he gives him the works, like this. Then he keeps turnin', and twistin'. That, ladies and gentlemen, is [witness unwinds, makes all kinds of noises]--
Witness: What's the matter? You want to kill me?
Prosecutor: Why, it's preposterous. When the police broke into the office, they found this woman, the defendant, Gail Tempest, bending over the body of the murdered man with a revolver clutching in her hand.
Defense: Which only goes to prove that my client is innocent.
Prosecutor: Innocent?!
Defense: Exactly, and I'll prove it! Ladies and gentlemen, the action of this pistol is so hard, it would take the strength of a mule to pull the trigger. [to witness] Try it.
Witness: I'm no mule!
Witness's friend: Nah, your ears are too short.
Witness: Hm, hm, so I'm a mule.
Defense: Pull the trigger! Never fear, it's not loaded.
Defense: How could Gail Tempest's frail little finger pull the rusty trigger of that instrument of destruction?
Witness: See, there was nothin' in it. [gun fires]
Older woman's voice: Broadway 9972, after 5 o'clock.
Witness's friend: What'd you do with my boutonniere?
Defense: Give me that gun!
Witness: What happened? What happened?
Defense: Don't point that gun at me! [gun fires]
Witness's friend: Every man for himself, fellahs.
[Commotion]
Judge: Order in this court.
[parrot says something]
Judge: What does this parrot mean by "find the letter"?
Witness's friend: There's a whole pile of letters there. Looky here. [shuffles a pile of letters] Look! There's a note tied to the parrot's foot. C'mon, Polly, Polly, Polly, Polly! C'mon, Polly, Polly, Polly. C'mon, Polly, Polly, Polly, c'mon.
Witness: Ouch! Look out, here it comes.
[parrot noises]
Moe: Oh, my Stradivarius, my beautiful Stradivarius.
Larry: Grab your ear. C'mon.
Judge: Order in the court.
Moe: How do we get him now?
Curly: Let's get some salt and put it on his tail.
Moe: That's no way to get a parrot. You gotta wet his feathers so he can't fly.
Curly: Oh, don't do nothin' till you hear from me.
Moe:C'mon, give me a hand. Wait a minute, hold it, what do you think...
[Things degenerate from here, involving a firehose]