DUCK SOUP
The Marx Bros., 1933

His excellency: Lieutenant, why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?

Lieutenant: I didn't think those papers were important at this time your excellency.

His excellency: You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my desert wrapped in those papers?

Defendant: Hello Boss!

His excellency: Chicalini, I'll bet you 8-1 we find you guilty.

Defendant: That's-a no good, I can get 10-1 at the barber shop.

Prosecution: Chicalini, you've been charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you'll be shot.

Defendant: I object.

Prosecution: You object, on what grounds?

Defendant: I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Excellency: Objection sustained.

Prosecution: You sustained the objection?

Excellency: Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either, why don't you object?

Prosecution: Chicalini, when were you born?

Defendant: I don't remember, I was just a little baby.

Prosecution: Isn't it true you tried to sell Fredonia's secret war code and plans.

Defendant: Sure, I sold a coat and two pair of pants. That's some joke, hey boss?

Excellency: Now I bet you 20-1 we find you guilty.

Prosecution: Chicolini, have you anyone here to defend you?

Defendant: It's no use, I even offered to pay as high as $18.00, but no could get somebody to defend me.

Excellency: My friends, look at Chicolini, he sits there alone, a pitiable object, surrounded by a sea of unfriendly faces. Chicolini, give me a number from one to 10 .

Defendant: Eleven.

Excellency: Right.

Defendant: Now I'll ask you one, what is has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus.

Excellency: That's irrelevant.

Defendant: Irrelevant? That's the answer, there's a whole lot of relevants in the circus.

Prosecution: That sort of testimony we can eliminate.

Defendant: That's fine, I'll take some.

Prosecution: You'll take what?

Defendant: A lemonade. A nice cold glass of lemonade. Hey boss, I'm going good.

Excellency: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he is an idiot, but I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest we give him 10 years in Levenworth or eleven years in twelve worth.

Defendant: I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.

Excellency: I wanted to get rid of Habeas Corpus but I should have gotten rid of you instead.

Prosecution: I object.

Excellency: Even I object.

Defendant: Then I object too.

Judge: You're on trial, you can't object. . .

Messenger: Your excellency, General Cooper says that the Sylvanian troops are about to land on Freedonia soil. This means war.

Prosecution: Something must be done. A war would mean a prohibitive increase in our taxes.

Defendant: Hey, I've got an uncle that lives in Taxes.

Prosecution: No, I mean taxes, money, dollars.

Defendant: Dollars, that's where my uncle lives, Dollars, Taxes.

Excellency: More bad news. Didn't I tell you. What's on your mind babe?

Woman enters: Excellency, on behalf of the women of Freedonia, I have taken it upon myself to make one final effort to prevent war.

Excellency: No kidding.

Woman: I have talked with Ambassador Trantino and he says Sir Venya doesn't want war either. I've taken the liberty to ask the Ambassador to come over here because we both felt that a friendly conference would settle everything peacefully. He'll be here any moment.

Excellency: Mrs. Cheesedale, you've done a noble deed, I'd be unworthy of the high trust that has been placed in me if I didn't do everything within my power to keep our beloved Fedonia at peace with the world. I'd be only too happy to meet with Ambassador Trantino and offer him, on behalf of my country, the right hand of good fellowship. And I feel sure that he will accept this gesture in the spirit in which it is offered. But suppose he doesn't, a fine thing that will be. I hold out my hand and he refuses to accept it. That will add a lot to my prestige, won't it? Me, the head of a country, snubbed by a foreign ambassador, who does he think he is that he can come here and make a sap out of me in front of all my people. Think of it, I hold out my hand and that hyena refuses to accept it. Why that cheap ball flushing swine, he'll never get away with, I tell you . . . .

THE END