SPRING CANCELLED AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY
Just in case you were wondering, that snow falling this morning was no joke– spring has officially been cancelled for the IU-Bloomington campus. “After years of careful analysis, we determined that law students concentrate better during cold, bleak weather,” announced Maurer Dean of Students Catherine Matthews. “Think about it! Don’t you hit the books a lot harder when it’s gray and miserable outside?” “The metrics do not lie!” echoed Professor Bill Henderson. “Just look at my groundbreaking study, Cleveland– Where the Sun Never Shines, But the Litigation Sizzles! Lake effect snow causes staggering increases in filings and billable hours!” When asked how exactly the Law School effected such drastic changes in weather patterns, Acting Dean Hannah Buxbaum replied, “This was actually a campus-wide initiative. The snow is not confined to the northwest corner of 3rd and Indiana.” Former Maurer Dean and IU-Bloomington Provost Lauren Robel likewise demurred when asked for details. “All I can say is that with great responsibility come some pretty awesome powers,” she said.